Don't plan to fail

If you plan for failure you surely will.  If you plan on staying strong and pushing through all the hard times and moving forward no matter what - then you will succeed.  Right now my heart is breaking for two of my friends who are hurting.  One wants to push through and make it work, the other made plans to fail and he is failing.  In my opinion the number one reason why it didn't work for them is because God was not the center of their lives.  not just their relationship, but also their personal lives. 

Procrastination or a much needed day off

So today was MLK day.  We had only half of a day of school so I was done with classes at 1pm.  Then I had a meeting at 2pm auditions for The Importance of Being Ernest from 3-6pm.  Then I came home for a much needed relaxing evening.  However, my plans to work ahead on my homework because of my day off failed me.  As I got to thinking about my procrastinations I realized that maybe my mind just needed a day off.  Since January 3rd my brain has not stopped working.  It is now the 17th and I don't really remember a day where I've just sat down and relaxed.  Yes tomorrow and Wednesday I may regret my procrastination, but the feeling I get tomorrow when I wake up refreshed will outweigh my regret.  I just think that your brain needs to be turned to the "off" position every now and then because the "on" position can get strained and turn into the "overdrive and tuckered out" position far too easily.

So tonight was not about my procrastination, it was about me wanting to stay fresh and on top of things without being completely exhausted.

The Golden Globes

So I'm watching The Golden Globes tonight I'm listening to all the speeches, and enjoying the fashion, and seeing all the stars.  Will I ever be there some day?  I can only hope and pray to God.  If I am that blessed one day I don't even know how I would handle that.  But some thing that keeps coming to my mind is whether I would remember to thank my Lord and Savior.  In all the hustle and bustle of winning an award - will God be the first thing on my mind? I would love to say yes.  I hope He would be.  It is a prayer I have that God will continue to be my first and foremost in everything.  Will he be yours?

What did I do?

I don't get it.  My friends know I'm at my apartment and know that I don't have anything to do today.  I ask them to call me if anything happens.  No one calls.  Only later do I find out that they went to see a movie and the text I get, "Sorry I didn't text you back..." It's just kind of frustrating, because the first thing I do when I know something is happening is call other people.  It just sucks to feel left out.

Ups and Downs

Already this semester is heading downhill...it is going to probably be the hardest semester of my college career.  Part of it is my fault - but part of it is the teachers fault for not realizing that their students have 17 credit hours and that theirs isn't at the top of that list.

But on an "up" note - I'm hoping to start a Bible/book study/ accountability thing.  Accountability is something I've had in the past, but never in the city I'm living in.  It's always been over the phone or a quick dinner when I'm in town.  But this time I want it to be different.  I need to be completely open to this guy - that is what its going to take for me to change.  There's so much about myself that I need to change, and sometimes I feel like I'm at the last straw before I go over...Depression is never something I'd say I've struggled with, but lately it's been hard to put a smile on.  I need someone I can talk to on a face-to-face intimate level, who understands and won't judge me.  I really hope it works out because it could really be life changing.

Today was Hard

So today (or yesterday cause it's after midnight) was my last first day of my last semester of school.  The weird part is that I was expecting it to be hard because of all the memories and that bittersweet feeling.  But instead it was hard, because I just want to get out, and starting today just reminded me that I am four months away from getting out and I still have to do a ton of work before the real world gets here.  This semester I have to read nineteen novels (like Jane Eyre and The Scarlett Letter type novels) and thirteen plays and write roughly 30 papers.  It's just going to be a bitch of a semester and I don't really know forsee it being easy.  It actually may be one of my hardest semesters.  Shit the real world better be worth it...haha

KCACTF

I just got back from a very busy 4 days in East Lansing MI for the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival Region III.  It was a great week of acting, design, directing, and learning.  I went at Jenny Reber's scene partner for the Irene Ryan Acting Scholarship competition.  We had to prepare two scenes and then she had to have a monologue ready.  We never made it past the first round, but we had a great time working together, and I was very happy that she asked me to be her scene partner.  So after the we found out we didn't make it to the second round I was able to relax and go to workshops and see shows.  It was a great time and it really allowed me to realize once more that I am on the right track, because I love theatre.  However I am simply exhausted! First off I was not feeling the greatest so that didn't help, and I had to sleep in a hotel bed, and it's just not the same.  Secondly it is just a jam packed week of workshops and shows and little sleep.  All in all it was a great time - but I am very happy to get back and start my last semester of college.  Holy crap that's a crazy sentence to say...the real world is so close I can smell it!

Inhale Grace; Exhale Gratitude

I learned today that a wonderful professor Dr. Scott Johnson passed away from non-Hodgkin lymphoma yesterday around 11am.  He always had a smile on his face and a word of encouragement.  I had three classes with him, and he definitely shaped me.  He was a wonderful man of the Lord and lived his life for God from alpha to omega, beginning to the end.  He is now in a place where there is no pain and suffering only rejoicing with his God.  My heart goes out to his wife Carolynn she is a strong woman and I pray that God will give her peace and comfort that only He can give in this time. 

Dr. Scott always said, "Inhale Grace, Exhale Gratitude" when times got rough, but he also said it when the sun was shinning, when things were going our way, it was truly his motto and I will forever remember him through this phrase.  He has made his mark on Bethel College's campus and will be forever missed. 

Home

I've had a hard time lately knowing where my home it.  I usually start thinking about this after a break.  Being home in Naperville, IL is so wonderful.  It's comfortable and I grew up there, but it's also so infuriating to live in 'Naperworld' after I've gotten out of it.  The people in 'Naperworld' don't realize that there is so much more to the world than having the latest car and the newest iphone crap. 

Then I have my Bethel world.  I've been here for three and a half years and this has become what I call home because the people here understand me.  I am able to be me, and those who love me accept me as I am and challenge me to become a better person.  I know I won't be judged for how I act.  Especially when I moved into my own apartment, this place became what I longed for as my home. 

Then there is the fact that I know I have to give this Bethel home up in about five months, and move on to other things.  If I get into a theatre in Chicago then I will be challenged with my 'Naperworld' home again, but if not I will most likely be moving around for awhile and will need to create a new home as often as every couple of months.

Also I would love to make a home in New York before too long.  It will probably be one of the hardest choices I will have to make because of the risk of failure, but it's thrilling at the same time.  So where is my home?  It will always and forever be where my parents are, but it will also be spread all around the country because little pieces of my heart are spread all over the place, and it's sort of comforting to know that.

Single - and not really loving it

I don't know why this is so hard sometimes especially at this time of year.  Maybe it's because when I was home visiting my family there is always the question, "So you dating anyone?" or "Is there a special lady in your life?" I mean come on people there are so many more interesting things to talk about. 

I guess the thing that has been bugging me more and more lately is when my best friends find their perfect match.  I was watching a movie the other day with four of my friends - two couples - and me the odd man out - the fifth wheel.  It's just hard.  And is it stupid to say that I wanted someone to kiss at midnight? Cause I did.  I guess it's hard because all the time I hear from some of my female friends, "Stephen you're going to make a great boyfriend and husband some day." Would it be rude to respond with, "Why? It's not like you want to date me so how do you know that?"  But instead I say "Thanks, so I've been told." and continue living knowing that "some day" is not today.  When will "some day" be today? 

I've been in a relationship before and I know I screwed it up big time because I kinda freaked out and over committed myself to it, but I've grown a lot since then, there just doesn't seem to be anyone who is right for me.  But then do I need to wait to find the "perfect" (which doesn't exist by the way) person for me, just to go on a date?  Being at Bethel College there is all this pressure to find "Mrs. Right" but why?  If you hold hands with someone on campus, by the end of the day people are asking me if "she's the one?"  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I'm the kind of guy who will link arms with a girl when we're walking somewhere or hold hands with someone when we're praying...that does not mean we are dating, it just means we're good friends.  Bethel really sucks at the whole dating concept.  Because if I were to ask a girl out - immediately it is assumed that I have marriage in mind - but you know that they say about ASSuming right?

I don't know it's just frustrating - and all to often I ask myself, "Am I doing something wrong?"