The Saddest and Most Realistic Breakup Song

"Change" by Kristin Chenoweth

Someday when I'm over you
And when I think I'm able to
Well, I might try to be your friend again

But your restless heart and rovin' eyes
My jealousy, these endless fights
I've got to get our of your life
Or I will never mend

I guess I'll die a bit each day but I'm always dying anyway
And I don't have the heart to stay, and I can't take the pain
I know we've tried to no avail
Our heaven now has turned to hell
The same old hurt we know so well
And something's got to change

We both know it's got to end
The passion's gone it's just pretend
And one of us had got to make the move

We might as well just give it up
We've lost respect and there's no trust
And without this, there's no real love
It's just some sad excuse

I guess I'll die a bit each day but I'm always dying anyway
And there's nothing left but walk away ain't this a crying shame
A change of pace, a change of heart
A change of place, a place to start
And we'll be better off apart
Our only hope is change

And we never will
But something has to change

But someday when I'm over you
And when I think I'm able to
Then I will try to be your friend again

But I don't want to see your face 'til then

That's All I Need To Know

Life has been SO good lately. God has had such a visible presence in my life this last month and a half that I have been able to live with such a sense of peace that He is in absolute control.  I travel with a group of six guys around the Midwest singing for Sunday morning services and youth groups.  The group is called Prov3rb5.  When I introduce the group and tell the congregation about what our group stands for i say something like this:

Two years ago when we got together to decide out group motto, mission, and verse we started searching the Scriptures for something that really captured our passions.  We found verses that worked, but nothing really jumped out to us.  This searching process brought us to Proverbs 3:5 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  We realized that this verse embodies exactly what we as college men need to do, because we have no idea what's next.  We know what's happening now - we are students at Bethel College, but after graduation we have no clue what's in store for us.  But that's okay, because as long as we trust in the Lord with all of our heart we can rely on the fact that God has an infinite plan that is so much greater than anything we could ever imagine.

I say this because it is exactly what my life has been about in this last semester of my college career.  I have people asking me almost daily what my plans are for next year.  Honestly I have no clue.  I have an application in for a theatre apprenticeship in Chicago, and I have a call back in Cincinnati next weekend, but truthfully I have no official plans for next August and beyond.  Those who know me well always ask how I am handling that.  Because normally I would be thoroughly freaking out because I have no plan.  But the truth is, I am perfectly fine with not having a plan set in stone.  I graduate in one month and I don't know what's next and I am calm as can be.  Why? Because I know that God has an infinite plan that is so much greater than I could every imagine.  He knows what's next and that is good enough for me.

We need to stop worrying about what is next in our lives.  No we cannot be so passive that we expect the opportunities to come our way (I am not saying that at all), but we need to stop letting our worrying get in the way of actually listening to God's calling on our lives.  Knowing that God has a plan, should be enough.  If his plan is for me to be in Chicago next year doing professional theatre I will be ecstatic, but if he chooses to lead me to Cincinatti, Ohio I know that he has a specific reason for that and I can't wait to see what it is.  Even if he decides to send me back to Naperville, IL and to work at Old Navy I know that there is a reason.  He has a reason for everything, and that is all I need to know.  

a wandering mind

So I'm sitting in the most boring class I've ever had - so my mind wanders...here are the wanderings of my mind.

God is so good.
He has asked me to fully rely on Him, and I feel like I've finally done it.  I don't need anyone else.  I love my friends, but currently Christ is all I need.  He is good.
I'm working through Hosea right now.  Through reading this, I've discovered that if God can ask one of his beloved prophets to marry a prostitute and still have a divine plan, than I should be able to do whatever God asks of me.  I have no reason to hold back.  Hosea must have been almost heartbroken knowing that he is going to marry someone who is unfaithful, but because God asked him to, Hosea was willing.  God has asked me to let go of certain things in my life that I've always held on to.  It was so hard, but now that I feel like I've succeeded I couldn't be happier.
I can say with confidence that God is my number one.  He is all that I need, everything else can fade away and I will still be able to live on, because God is all I need.  The thing that makes my heart full, is knowing how awful I've been, and yet God still wants to love me.  He wants a relationship with me, and has always been there holding me even when I didn't see feel Him.

God is so good

I wonder

Do I put too much stock and value in my friendships? Sometimes I feel as if I cling too much to my friendships and rely to much on my relationships with other people to get me through.  I know that I need to rely on God for everything, and cast all my cares on him.  But lately I feel like I've been putting far too much stock in my friends.  I came across this revelation because I find that I get upset when my friends make certain choices that I don't necessarily agree with.  I know that seems almost silly - but I do I put too much stock in the choices my friends make.  I get worked up and too involved in their lives.

The thing I don't know how to do is take a step back.   

I wish life was different

I don't want or need my life to be easier...i understand that it's going to be difficult - but sometimes I wish it were different.  I can't seem to hold on to my guy friends.  I don't think I am doing anything to push them away, they just seem to move on to someone else.  I get close to a guy and ask him to maybe do a Bible study or to hold me accountable for things and somehow over time I feel like he doesn't care anymore.  And when I ask if he wants to get together it always seems like I'm bugging him, or that he has to clear part of his schedule to hang out with me.  But if another friend asks him to hang out - he gladly goes without a second thought.  And do either of them think about inviting me...no.  I don't know maybe I should just stop trying.  I only have 2ish months left in school - so is it even worth it? I really sucks though because I considered this guy to be my best guy friend - and that doesn't happen very often.  And I know in my life I need a solid Christian guy in my life - but no matter who that is I always somehow lose them to someone else.  I need to get out of Bethel.

Don't plan to fail

If you plan for failure you surely will.  If you plan on staying strong and pushing through all the hard times and moving forward no matter what - then you will succeed.  Right now my heart is breaking for two of my friends who are hurting.  One wants to push through and make it work, the other made plans to fail and he is failing.  In my opinion the number one reason why it didn't work for them is because God was not the center of their lives.  not just their relationship, but also their personal lives. 

Procrastination or a much needed day off

So today was MLK day.  We had only half of a day of school so I was done with classes at 1pm.  Then I had a meeting at 2pm auditions for The Importance of Being Ernest from 3-6pm.  Then I came home for a much needed relaxing evening.  However, my plans to work ahead on my homework because of my day off failed me.  As I got to thinking about my procrastinations I realized that maybe my mind just needed a day off.  Since January 3rd my brain has not stopped working.  It is now the 17th and I don't really remember a day where I've just sat down and relaxed.  Yes tomorrow and Wednesday I may regret my procrastination, but the feeling I get tomorrow when I wake up refreshed will outweigh my regret.  I just think that your brain needs to be turned to the "off" position every now and then because the "on" position can get strained and turn into the "overdrive and tuckered out" position far too easily.

So tonight was not about my procrastination, it was about me wanting to stay fresh and on top of things without being completely exhausted.